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underwhelmed by the overwhelming

I really don’t even know how to produce this blog post. It is not filled with anger towards God or thankfulness towards grace. If anything, I am feeling very indifferent right now.

I am underwhelmed by the Gospel.

Am I even allowed to say that as a Christian? That the goodest good of all goods is not exciting me at all? I don’t know if that’s allowed, but I’m saying it anyway.

If I am saying that something is underwhelming then, according to Google, I am saying that it is “failing to impress or make a positive impact” on me. That is probably not how many Christians would ever describe the Gospel. But, if I were going to honestly describe my feelings for it right now, I would say that it is less than satisfying.

Because I have this feeling, I have no choice but to turn to other, more satisfying things. I know what you’re probably thinking; “what could possibly be more satisfying than the Gospel?” Well, friends…nothing. But I’ve been looking anyway, okay?

I have tried turning to many different things: relationships, alcohol, twerking, etc. None of them have really done much for me (especially the relationship part…#wifedisgurl!). This should probably lead me to believe that God truly is the only constant thing in my life and I should probably just turn to him. But I’m too busy laboring for immediate satisfaction right now to pay attention to him.

You see, when you become underwhelmed by the Gospel, you will quickly become overwhelmed by everything else. I am constantly worrying and analyzing and over thinking. I need to take care of everything by myself. I seek out happiness in a million different places. I feel like I have this checklist that I must complete in order to feel satisfied, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to achieve earthly perfection. It’s very draining.

Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? [Isaiah 55:2]

Uh, I don’t know, God, why don’t you tell me? Humans crave immediate satisfaction. We want to be content so badly that we will seek it out in almost any situation. It is so much easier to just go along with something because it’s right in front of me than to wait for eternal joy. It’s too easy to push eternity from my mind when something so enticing is right in my path.

 Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear to me and come to me; hear, that your soul may live; and I will make with you and everlasting covenant… [Isaiah 55:3]

I think that this same promise God made to the Israelites is still true for me. He is the provider of all that is good and satisfying. He knows I’m wasting my time and money and effort on things that are completely worthless.

I can’t see the big picture. I can only see as far as my eyes will allow. How do I combat this crappy attitude towards the Gospel? How do I stop being so concerned with today and start thinking about eternity? Because once I do that, I will not care so much that all I come home to at night is my (very adorable) cat. Petty, earthly issues are going to continue to tear me down until I can learn that there is a greater picture. We all deserve so much more than the junk that we are settling for right now.

I need to listen. I need to pay attention. I need to tear up my checklist of what my happiness requires, because it’s a lie. Situations do not create lasting happiness. I want an everlasting joy, not a little slice of “happy” that will fade away. I want to eat the rich food that God’s promises provide and be completely satisfied by that. My focus is on the wrong things. I am looking in the wrong direction. It’s time to seek.

I wonder if I can Google how to do that, too. 

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